Saturday, 27 May 2017

InBacks and Outbacks.

WHATHO my hearties it has been a week for Chelsea flower show, and all things GREEN. 

Is Owner going to vote Green Wonka you all wonder up, fed up to the back teef (more on this later) with election hokerypokery.

SHE MAY DO.  here is what Owner will not do.

1.  vote for that back in the stable not strong woman Tresa Grey. (tick)
2.  vote for that whispering one minute shoutey the next Jezzer (tick)
3. waver about the other ones Tim thingy Liberal dem and has been known to go shouty and red faced (half a tick)(still wavering)(I mean)
4. Not in mill years (giant Tick X)

this much we know folks.  AND you know what happened in americee IT MUST NOT come over here.  donwald the trump is a lesson to us all.  End of.X

 
There I am!!! Can you see me basking in the sunnyshine on top of Owner's Dad's workbench.  I love it out there and have practically stopped hissing and growling at Owner, at Ruggles and at the plants OH and that gnome.  I love him.X
 
 
In other news folks, Owner has finally crawled to the end of the contract with those pesky 6th form students and is on the scrap heap.  YES she knows all about these heaps and is only slightly despondent.  On a setting of about 4 to 5 folks which I might say I can live with.X
 
 
There she is!! atop the scrap heap which folks, is in keeping with flower show things AND green things too. will it last? watch this space because Owner's is always hopeful and EVERGREEN!!! boboom.X
 
 
Finally folks, the teef thing.  Owner announced on Mundee night in the middle of, MY TOOTH HURTS please let it be a touch of neuralgia or something very like that ANYTHING but toofache.
 
folks it was the wrong one and everyone TOUS LES MONDE had to suffer alongside Owner.  The Dentist and I mean the ex dentist folks was forced at stare point to prescribe antibiotics! The chemist had to hurry up with them!  The GP had to prescribe painkillers! And finally, at 5 pm on Tuesdee, Owner could say to me WONKA the pain has ceased.  All horrid things must have a good side and here it is.  Owner is booked in with a dentist who will call her by her name instead of skipping that minor detail, who will tell her nicely and lead up to the news that a toof OR two may need a lot of treatment AND of course it will be very expensive.  hallo credit card and goodbye to Dentists who have no people skills.  The end of.X
 
 
The telly has featured here and there and FINALLY FOLKS we know who cracked Ken over the nut in Corrie.  it was smarmy old thingy who claims to be his long lost son and shacked up with that other one we cannot for the life of us recall her name.  him and her anyway.  Is it Daniel cries Owner proud to remember.  Alright I goes, tell me the name of his girlfriend who got arrested for nothing. I CAN'T she droned back to me.  In Enders there are new people and old people returning, jack has been arrested for something and Max has gone a bit sopranos.  Stacey keeps saying how much she loves everyone and everything and Owner thinks she is for the chop, or her bloke, or the babe.X
 
 
The new week is hovering at the other side of a bank holidee for us folks. That, and no work for at least a week which will give Owner time to assess the new hair shade and either love it OR rush out for another box of kit. Me? thanks for asking, a bit fed up with real fish and chick but I'll get there - Ruggles keeps waving his paw at me and I keep waving back! and Bertrude let me walk past the other night without batting an eye OR hissing. Owner did wonder if she can see.  I know.X
 
Keep your furry chins up folks and tell anyone who even slightly disagrees with you to go and brush themselves up the wrong way!!! big Love Wonka X
 
 


Saturday, 20 May 2017

Giving up is not for us!

WHAT IS THIS WONKA! you all mutter up, meaning to say HAS OWNER CAVED IN AND RUN AWAY TO SCOTLAND???

Has she heck as like as Steve would say in Corrie but to be fair folks, and you know that is my middle name or is it FUR!!!!   to be fair, she has had plenty to run away about. (LIST. you know you love our LISTS.X)
1.  No one that is PERSONNE believed her about aged sibling's lost munney. It has caused a lot of upset especially when Owner went all detective a la prime suspect and said who took it!! The nice policeman wrote it all down and said things like - we are talking about damage limitation.  I know X
2.  I did tell Owner not to make that phone call, the one where she went hysterical and called everyone very stupid (although it is the watershed I cannot repeat what she really said.X) it is alright though as all think she is a bit mad anyway (don't forget folks she does not bother to proof read this diary thingie so I am in the clear.x)
3. She has not heard back from anyone at the good publishers Austin Macauley to explain why NO ONE or PERSONNE has heard of or is reading our fab stories. And this despite a million emails folks!!

 

 
 
 
Here we are folks!! this is our very latest story self published on #amazonkindle - it is entered into a big fat competition and if we win it I will personally eat all those biscuits up yes those ones that I usually leave for ruggles.X BUT it does not have to win the competition JUST YOUR HEARTS!!!! X
 
Somehow Owner staggered to the end of a horrid week only weeping here and there and only shouting at other drivers A LOT. I am just grateful Wonka, she droned to me, that they cannot hear what I am swearing I mean saying.X
 
Me? thanks for asking, I have done myself proud, going OUTSIDE into real outback breathing in real sea air and sniffing every single leaf and weed growing in a pot.  As for that gnome I KNEW YOU WERE A GNOME.X
 
Ruggles has been darting here and there laying on Owner's Dad's bench outback and pretending he knows it all.  Bertrude has got under my paws a couple of times but mostly just hissed in my face.X
 
I turn round for two seconds and this silly old diary publishes itself, DOH.  What I meant to report on was the silly old election debate where silly old Tresa Grey stopped at home and as for Jezzer I dare say he was on a rally somewhere.  BUT folks, it gave those pesky Greens a chance to shine and we love them!x  In telly world we have clung to Corrie and poor Bethanee will she get rescued from horrid thingie who she is engaged to.  Feelan is still getting away with murder and Nick is suspicious of everyone but the babe who isn't his.  I know.X  Enders has spun off into food bank land and Witnee has gone on a spending spree with NO MUNNEY and Mick has said he will never leave her again. I know.X  There were other programmes to watch but with Owner's attention span whittling down to half a second at best, it has to be FAST and GOOD if you see what I mean.X
 
Now surely this coming week which is Owner's last week at college (how she will miss those smartphone addicted students X) must be an improvement on last? and if it isn't folks that escape plan to Scotland is BACK ON!! cat carrier alert!! Seriously folks, sleek down that fur tell yourself you look THE BIZ and jump and down on anyone who tells you different!  Big Love Wonka X
 
 
 


Saturday, 13 May 2017

Sing Sing Sing!

Howdy up folks and all - how has your up and down week been?!
ME? thanks for asking, well I am proud to tell you this

I HAVE BEEN OUTSIDE!!!! Yes me, little ol MOI, has sauntered alright crept down the steps to the miniscule new outback and sniffed and snorted my way round.  Ruggles did hiss a tiny bit when I asked him if it was all clear for those pesky Vikings and I did take a while to sort out who the gnome was.  BUT IN THE MAIN Je t'adore the new vista! and it was only when the giant collie dog thing, who was staying in the holidee cottage next door barked, did I scamper in.  I ask you. X
 
There I am!! and just poking his snort in is the newbie, Percy Pig.  And there is a newbie pot for the strawbs too.I love it.X
 
 
In other special news out latest story, #thecatwhoneverwas is doing alright on the ship shop in the sky amazon kindle, and is entered into a BIG competition. if you could be bothered to read it, Owner could win the blinking thing and I could have a well earned rest. And lots of nice treats I dare say too. Herewith, is another beauty illustration from our new story - (it is cuddling up to a snack time so I must be nice to Owner X).
 
 
 
There it is!! and the cat in question?  Called Oodles. X
 
 
yes Owner has been busy as per, or so she says and I whisper back things like well can you be busy and make me some tea, OR, can you be busy and buy us all (how generous am I?x) some real chick.....X Yes Bertrude is fine, resting up all day long, eating real fish all day long, and going as far as the top of the stairs when she gets fed up. X
 
 
The telly has kept Owner quite busy, and Saliha a late fave to Mastercheffie went on and won it!! blow us down we had a few faves and she was picked to win it on the final week.  In corrie, Nick has turned fairly nasty and wicked Dave his good bruv has gone the other way to compensate Owner thinks.  She has avoided Enders in case it got on her nerve. Tonight folks, there is the competition to end all competitions it is the good Eurovision. Even the dread brexit cannot put an end to this good contest. Owner says she may watch a tiny bit of it and I said can that be the good bit please.X
 
 
In other lesser news the dreary snap election is wading through the usual drafts and leaks and everyone is talking nonsense. I have tried and failed to keep Owner's attention diverted from this, and she has put several rants on FB and Twitter and I ready with some sage advice when needed. like STOP IT!.  FINIT!!  Donwald the Trump is still firing people but then he is used to that from his programme, and Cruela De Grey is on about bringing back fox hunting. Owner has not calmed down after that one, and the RENARD is big news in our home. X
 
 
So off we go into another week and what's to do.  Owner is planning a bigger and better website designed professionally this time, and not some toytown effort by her (It is alright she never reads this.X) all about Wonka Stories.  At last I will receive a tiny bit of recognition for all my hard work folks.  it is also the countdown to the end of term and all the students are restless.  I have not mentioned Owner's new hair colour and I an not going to as I very much look forward to my tea time.X
 
Do enjoy your week folks out there, get yourselves brushed up and whiskers a curling and go get em!! big Love Wonka X
 



Sunday, 7 May 2017

The Cat Who Never Was - A Wonka Presents! story.

Very Proud to announce the latest story! and specially for our faves, it is free to read for the next week starting from Mundee and close of day Fridee.  X

https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B0711GS3Z2 

This is the UK link to the shop in the sky folks but it is available GLOBALLY.  My whiskers are tingling with excitement they are.  And it looks like this. X
 
There it is!! and please do get kindling! As soon as Owner can learn how to do it, it will turn into a paperback BUT until then you must be a kindling.
 
See you soon folks, have a fabuluski week Big love Wonka X

Saturday, 6 May 2017

Back to Blonde!

DO YOU MEAN OWNER Wonka? Yes Siree!  Owner has been bleached and toned and ended up a very light blonde folks.  AND the good news is so far I haven't had to hide in my top secret hideyplace (you know where I mean but don't tell.X)

All of that DOES NOT MEAN she loves it folks.  it does mean she doesn't mind it.  I QUITE LIKE IT WONKA, she droned to me, having tweaked it and sprayed it and changed it round the back and smoothed it etc.  ME? thanks for asking, and personally I preferred it a bit darker but have I said that??? NON!! and when Owner returns from her rounds I will have to be on my guard.  if Aged parent steps out of line and comments (OH I DON'T LIKE THAT!) I will have to pick up the slack folks.  Yes.X


 
There he is!! Owner's best hairdresser putting up with her WHIMS (Love that word.  may use again. whims.XX)
 
In other perhaps more important news, the bench got delivered by Ziggy from Bradford and his Missis and Owner was over the moon and back round.  it is snug in its new place outback and Ruggles has sat on it.  What could have been and was building up to be a huge gigantic delivering disastah - came right.  if only the rest of the week had followed that pattern folks.X
 
Owner has been on top stress setting and did notice there was a programme all about it on Beeb one the other night.  Will you Watch it Owner I said carefully and mindful (get me!X) of my teatime and supper and all those meals to come. NO I DON'T THINK I'LL Bother she drones. I KNOW I'M STRESSED and I don't need a telly prog all about Stress it will make me worse. OH I says back. I mean I know a thing or two about it what with having to cope with moving alright that was a while back, but I still spook myself now and then trundling upstairs and seeing Bertrude up there, just before she rushed back under the bed that is.X
 
The local elections soldiered on and Owner voted twice once for her and once for Aged parent. As predicted, labour fell to the wayside and as predicted Jezzer took this as a good sign that all was well just a tad challenging. Tresa May refused to jump up and down for joy as strong leaders don't do that stuff.  As for the others they are busy climbing their own mountains.  It is not a subject to engage Owner on and I would have warned that media tutor not to do it but it is too late.  i know.X
 
 
There he is! Ruggles sitting in that old wicker chair thing fresh from Daughter's garden and now in our new outback.  he sits outside for all of 2 mins before rushing back home incase it moves like the tardis in Dr Who.X
 
 
Owner is ready to pop out to the shops and do her rounds whether she likes her hair or not. usually and as you know folks, bumping into folks you know OR who know you is in direct ratio to how nice you look.  The uglier you feel it is likely you will see ALL OF THEM.  Owner is accustomed to her students saying things like, WE SAW YOU IN SO AND SO MISS. Then she has to rustle up a dim memory of what she had on whether she was talking to herself and what was she buying.  Was it that cheap fish she gets for Bertrude? NO ONE. PERSONNE looks good when they are buying ecomony goods tangible or not (that folks is her dread BTEC business speak coming to the fore. I know.X)
 
Now another week is lurking, and do take it steady.  NO unnecessary moves, or purchases,  Just keep smiling and pretending you like the way you fur looks today.  Being confident beats ugly days into the back of that Narnia cupboard. See you soon and as per Big Love Wonka X  PS I nearly forgot and I will tell you all about it next time, but Owner has bitten a huge bullet and we are to have a new web page!!! I know!! the designer is coming to meet Owner next Fridee and I am to be on bestist. no chasing the others and no showing off. I mean.X   


Saturday, 29 April 2017

Keep Going!

What a week folks!  Owner has been let down right, left and not to forget that elusive (like this choice of word I am awarding myself 10 out of 10 X) middle ground. ie the Centre! 
ARE YOU SPEAKING POLITICALLY Wonka you all shout up, wide awake and ready for some action.

MACRON! for President!!! that is the war cry in this house folks!  Owner reports to me alright she droned it to me the other day, that Macron is CENTRE LEFT.  NOT far left (No ticks for that one.X) Back in this neck of the woods, there is little to get passionate about.  There are several over the hill worn out politicians who speak in an outdated staccato whisper OR a downright preaching kind of style. Does this mean a change of vote in your house Wonka you all shriek at me, on the edge of your settees to know.



WE ARE GREEN LOCALLY! and proud of it.  As for the dread general election, this is harder as there is NO CENTRE LEFT for us to cling to.  End of my political mash up for this week!!! X

In other more important news, Owner has been let down by a delivery.  We know this is easily done and that all delivery drivers wait until we leave the house, go on holiday, cannot for any known reason get to the door in time, fail to read an invisible phone number or indication as to where the delivery is.  Owner had her item delivered to a 'neighbour' who is not a 'neighbour' and who went on to deliver said item.  I DID NOT ASK FOR THAT she wrote in blazing script to the good customer services;  are they real people I asked Owner up, much later when it was safe to ask such a questions.  They must be she goes back - robots aren't as stupid!!

The second failure on the delivery front was the straightforward transportation of a work bench from A to B.  Did it go off alright?  NOT ON YOUR NELLY.  More trail blazing stuff from Owner who called the non existent man with a van (where?  Mars??) a time waster.  I said, Owner that is pretty good coming from you, and I said it all from my secret hidey hole in the upper layers of the house.X

Has anything gone right Wonka?  Owner's new glasses are a triumph and I am blaming the assertive sales assistant in Pagan and McQuade who was ace.  Somehow she got Owner to spend shed loads of munney (letting her off) on 2 pairs yes DEUX pairs of glasses that make her look great.  End of.X



There we are!! The other pair are an electric blue with extra stuff on that cost a fortune but who cares as Owner is tres jolie in them!! X

On the telly box it has been non stop snooker BUT our hero Ronnie has fallen at the quarters post this time, which is a step forward from the second round post last year.  The dragon Ding has stepped up and is fighting Selby I mean playing against him and we have said a big prayer for him to get to the final again and WIN IT.X

Owner is clinging to The Last Kingdom and blow us down it is finishing next week.  BUT there is Versailles with all its violence and wotsit.  That does keep Owner entertained.  In Enders anything could have happened as we have missed it.  As Owner was on an eleven mood setting for stress this was a good thing, as Staycee or that other one could have sent her funny.  In Corrie we are all on edge because little Bethany has missed the fact that she is NOT in a relationship but in a nasty ring thing - can she be saved in time??X

Now owing to such a fretful week, I have let Owner spend herself silly.  The jury is out on the Lavender room mist, but if it cheers her up I'll bear with it and make sure Ruggles does too.  Ruggles has been out in the new outback and tried to escape by standing on a plant pot and eyeing up the back gate.  NO RUGGLES! shouted Owner.  Bertrude is doing nicely and shown no interest in coming downstairs as yet.X

Take it all in your stride and be strong folks!! These are testing times wherever you are on the globe with funny old presidents doing what they like! Has anyone told them it is not a board game it is real!! have a make over and cheer yourselves up - more on this next week when make overs are US.  Big Love Wonka X

Saturday, 22 April 2017

Earth Day!

Morning up folks I mean afternoon up or even Buenos nochas!!! or something very like that. X

yes we have reached the end of another momentous week. and what a lovely way to round it off folks with the new TRELLIS yes TRELLIS in place to stop ruggles or ME wandering off into the big unknown and not coming back for tea time.  After much fretting, worrying and anxiety ridden thoughts (I will not like it, why did I ask the good handyman to do it, I will never get used to it, it will block the view and so on from Owner X) Owner loves it to bits.
AND there will be a special extra diary to show you how lovely it is coming shortly. In the meantime and to celebrate earth day, here is me yes ME and the Wotsit plant.X
 
 
Did it survive the move Wonka? you all ask up as the considerate plant loving folk you are!! Owner says the Q should be rephrased as did it survive you Wonka!! I mean.  Fairly sure it was DE RIEN to do with me and more to do with Owner's over watering that saw it off.  Not to worry folks as it is all very green round here yes GREEN.X
 
On the subject of GREEN and in keeping with the world gone daft, there is not just a local election to vote in but a general one.  That means Owner going twice to vote for aged parent. AND explaining what each silly old political party is standing for.  Tresa May wants a MANDATE (I thought she was already spoken for.  sorry but I liked that joke and I'm keeping it in.X) jezzer wants to be against the establishment that got him into power in the first place, and TIM from the Lib Dems is angry about brexit (BIG TICK) and the GREENS want to form a Progressive Alliance,  Owner thinks more folk might listen up if they said an AGRESSIVE alliance. No wonder Brenda from Bristol is fed up.  So are we!! X
 
There they all are!! I said to Owner you have made Jezzer look too benign and when he gets going with that funny staccato whisper thing (like FIL in Enders) he can be quite menacing (I thought.x) but Owner said folk can make their own minds up thank you Wonka! x PS Owner is betwixt the Lib Dems and the Greens but it is all to play for.  ME?  I am voting Green all the way to the polls and back because they love animals and everything.X
 
 
To finish off my weekly mash up I must mention the snooker and our beloved hero Ronnie has made it through round 2.  yes. This means a lot more square eyes in this home folks and we love it.
 
Versailles is back and goodness knows Owner had to hide behind her hands in a really grisly scene and luckily I was having a bit of shut eye and missed it bar the screaming and Owner going OHHHH.  Masterchef is tip top and had a lovely chef called Selwyn on it NO he didn't get through and there isn't a clear fave as yet.   JohnnGregg are the best ever and only disagreed slightly over Brodie. x The Durrells return on Sundee to cheer up Owner who must return to work on the Mundee.  Personally I'm looking forward to a bit of relaxez vous with no one keep on at me saying things like, do you want a snack Wonka, or, where are you Wonka? or STOP IT NOW Wonka!!
 
Do have a wonderful week yourselves folk and if you can get round your nerves and do that thing, well GO ON and do it!! Big Love Wonka X