Saturday, 26 August 2017

Nothing to be Scared Of!!

HOWDY UP FOLKS! and how are you all this brightish, warmish bank holidee weekend alright it is in our tiny isle BUT might not be where you are.  IF you are basking in uncomfortably hot temperatures (I need to zzzzzzzzzzz after all those long words) then it is your fault End of.  Back here all is happening.X

There we are folks!! You recall I did mention Owner going into Hospital for a ROUTINE thingy wotsit?? Well it has happened and she is back home and already (this is how I know Owner is on the mend) her and my beloved Auntie that is Owner's daughter ARE ON EACH OTHER'S NERVES.  but in the meantime Owner has some very important Hospital tips if you ever have to pop into hospital yourselves.  I mean I know all about this from the Vets, when they say OH YES he can have a 2 week really expensive injection but NO ONE Personne, says alright Wonka you will feel a tiny scratch do they?? there is no warning about any of it, including taking temperatures either.  herewith Owner's helpful List:
1.  Take their advice ONLY when it suits you, it feels alrightish, you like them.  if you cannot say YES SIRREE to any of them then do not take the advice just follow your own.
2.  The all important instruction to RELAX.  this is only ever issued when you are about to experience pain, or feel horrid, or be uncomfortable.  On no account relax, do stiffen up every muscle and get tensed up ready for the horrid pain.  Scream loudly at will and ignore the nasty nurse who is ready for retirement and should not be there anymore.
3. Hospital is NOT A PRISON.  if you cannot escape as early as you would like and you have exhausted every known escape route - befriending a nurse, paying deep respect to the Doctors, pouring the evidence away down the loo if you think they won't like it - then simply sign yourself out.  Even though you will be made to feel a silly billy who is risking their life by doing it.  you know, it is only to save them a giant law suit when you die ten mins after getting in the taxi home.
4.  laughter really is the best medicine and I'm pleased to say Owner has laughed out loud albeit ironically on a number of occasions now.  This reassures me, Ruggles and Bertie that normal service is nearly resumed.
5.  Last but not least, if the only real bit of advice is not to lift anything heavier than a kettle it does mean not lifting me up.  I take umbrage (get me! X) at being described as the side of a house by Owner but I can outdo a kettle any day.X
All of this means the silly season is still on FULL POWER and we must watch end to end boxsets, bad films and wotnot. Owner has kept up with Corrie, ignored Enders mostly for fear it will undo all the good work of the hospital and even defy lifting a kettle.  There is much to look forward to as the Hex Factor is back and Autumn beckons not to mention the birthday of nearly all in the family. I know.X
There is still no real news from Tresa Grey or Jezzer except he has popped up at  a few rallies but it may be his double anyway.  As for Vinnie we still have high hopes.  Donwald the Trump continues his childlike grasp of heavy duty politics by simply doing away with stuff he doesn't like or not eating it.X
Now it is the last week of August when people are still GOING ON HOLIDEE and such like.  Give it a week or so and then September beams down with all the reason and sense we will need for the run up to...................nearly said it but changed my mind folks. XX
Bertie continues to cost a fortune and Ruggles is enjoying his days like the senior citizen he is.  Me?? thanks for asking and just about coping with Owner's efforts to rest. (not going to happen) and relax (???) so just to say folks, go and have a beauty week full of sweets and films and good things and whatever you do, get that fur combed!  Look nice and be nice!!  Big Love Wonka X

Saturday, 19 August 2017

Good Game Good Game!

We are not talking football or tennis or beloved Snookerooni folks we are talking BRUCIE Forsyth who has now moved into the next room.  89 years he did spend on this earth and for most of it, entertaining us poor folks addled in our wits and needing some fun and laughter to sort it!! herewith Owner's weensy tribute to him:
There we are!  and we hope he is still on his toes as his TAP was pretty neat.X
In other news the week has shuddered on with all its usual emails not getting there and turning back up. WHAT IS THE POINT! shouts Owner and I did say have you tried that old fashioned way that is called sending a letter but luckily she didn't hear me about bashing out a letter.  I WILL HAVE TO HANDPOST IT! she shrieks to me and moaning about the silly old directions that the laptop coughs up.  it turns out that where the email didn't get to is only 7 mins away as the crow flies.  I know.X

I have only had one or two ALRIGHT three or four spats with ruggles and none with Bertrude but that is because Owner reckons Bertrude cannot see much. Last night she went over to her miniscule pink teddy bear and sniffed it.  Owner was very much encouraged by this outburst of activity as Bertrude rarely does much.  other than eating sleepin and the other.  I make up for this of course by being all over the house and now out as well checking all the hollows and dark places, I even went into the little outhouse thingy wotsit and had Owner on the run! THERE YOU ARE Wonka! she said after half an hour searching for me and nearly printing out a load of WONKA IS MISSING Posters.I mean X

IS THE WINDOW FIXED? you all wake up and want to know.  Nothing, DE RIEN, is that simple in this house folks and you might know that the old window resisted being taken out quite strongly, and is now replaced with a piece of board with holes in it so we can all breath BUT the new window cannot be popped into place just yet.  WHY IS THAT WONKA? you now ask.  And surely you know the answer.......................
The Joiner is going on HOLIDAY.  It is AUGUST and every second person in the known world is doing it.  Except Owner.X

The telly has been on as per and we have clung to Corrie and Rita  going wonky now which folks, I tell you, is too close to home for Owner what with Aged Parent and having to fend off an entire NHS system (Can Owner do it? if anyone can, she can.X) BUT because of this wonkiness Rita has accused our fave Gemma of a crime her horrid mates carried out!! it is alright, Rita has come back round but will their relationship survive! But the real twist of the night was that horrid Feelan has been keeping Andy a prisoner instead of murdering him!!! he is held in a cellar somewhere! Back in Enders Fil has gone mad and revealed to thingy that he murdered his Dad in the KARLOT.  Owner may rename it SALEM'S LOT now.  Anything folks to keep her smiling and not attacking the telly when Stacee appears or WITNEE behind that bar.X

In the wicked world of politics Donwald the Trump is still the president but perhaps the best way to end this is simply for all his cabinet thingy to resign get sacked go sick or go on holidee.  That way he really might be the last man standing.  Who knows eh.  Tresa Grey may or may not be back off her trekking hols she does cheep up with the odd comment mildly condemning what other folks are all shouting and dying for.  jezzer is still on his health farm or allotment making jam while the sun shines. We love Vinnie Cable whatever he is doing.  he can do no wrong at the minute.X

Owner tells me daughter is coming through for a few days and this would explain the flurry of activity in the fridge and in the spare bed dept.  And the cleaning and monster dept too. They are planning on a giant DVD fest and sweets and that.  anything folks to cheer that Owner up I'm all for it. THE IMPACT when things go wrong folks is hard to bear BUT I do have several hideys. PLUS blending in with the carpet that Owner doesn't like too.X

Now the coming week might be a trifle up and down as Owner is having to attend a hospital for what she describes merrily as ROUTINE Wonka.  she should go in and come out very swiftly and I won't notice. She says. What I do expect is to be spoilt rotten by my auntie before during and after.  End of.X

it is raining here after a beauty week of sunny shine and the best news of the week is guess what folks?? NO that is not it. it was that the Car with No Name went and passed its MOT that's what and one less thing for Owner to drone on about.  It is alright for now Wonka she said up!  Do go on and pass all your MOTs and EMAILS getting to their destinations and if you are going through a hard time of it, think of US, because our time of it is harder folks.
alright the same then! Keep your purring positive and look friendly!! Big Love Wonka X

Saturday, 12 August 2017

Silly Billy Season

IT IS AUGUST as if we did not know this screeched Owner to me!!  There are now two stock answers for all know problems.  Excuses rolled out to explain everything that IS GOING WRONG.

What are they Wonka? you all shout at me anxious to know.  herewith:

1.  YOU MOTHER IS EIGHTYSIX YOU KNOW...... this remark is guaranteed (spelling!! good use of word!! X) to get Owner's mood setting from round about 2 to 3 to TEN in seconds folks.  she is dribbling at the mouth saying things like ' WELL I DIDN'T KNOW THAT!' and 'AND??????? £$%*****^%$££ .  This answers practically any questions Owner may put forward EVEN IF it is not relevant.

2.  IT IS AUGUST YOU KNOW..... this one explains why joiners cannot be found for love nor money and specially not by Owner's landlord. Again, more dribbling at the mouth when Owner says it is over a month ago that she first (nicely folks X) put in a request for a straightforward job to fix a window.  Is it fixed folks??? well it is August you know..............(the whole universe and all joiners are on holiday. or sick. or just not there.X)

Here we are !!! It is that nice Larry cat from Number 10 with a postcard from thingy.  she is on some trotting around holidee BECAUSE IT IS AUGUST. X
Now all these frets and worries to one side how is Owner bearing up you all wonder to me?  You will be pleased to know the latest complaint is filed away AND a series of appointments, ALL UNECESSARY Wonka, to aged parent have been cancelled.  IT IS ALRIGHT for them, she moaned up to me, TO GO SICK and change appointments - she did say more than that folks, but she didn't notice I had popped upstairs to my secret hidey and I cannot hear anything once I am there.X  YES SHE IS FINE and her mood setting is approx. 4 -5.  End of X
Listen to this though Folks!!! Owner set off yesterdee determined to spend some money (alright dust down the credit card X) BUT CAME BACK with de rien!!  I didn't like the rugs she goes to me (for the front room which no one PeRSONNE ever goes in) AND I could not find what I wanted in the charity shop.  This rarely happens folks and today may be different.  I did say do we really need an expensive rug but she may not have heard me above changing the facilities.  NO it was not me it was Bertrude.X
Ruggles barely says a word these days and I think in his head he has gone on a long holiday.  Infact in aged parent language it is his age.  Since Owner found a nice soft blanket for him (it was Diva's, Owner's beloved dog of yore,X) and laid it down in the kitchen he has loved it.  I did say what about me but quickly agreed with Owner that I do have millions alright a fair few resting up spots on each level of our new home.X  PS Bertude is sugar dandy and is either going blind or deaf or both of them as she hardly noticed when I glided by her and ate most of her very expensive biscuits up.X
What then, you all shout at me HAS KEPT US going and kept Owner's chin up??  A nice phone call with cousin did help folks, where they both moaned to each other and laughed.  This is said cousin she is the biz AND Owner will have a break away later on this year.  I am already making plans for a very spoilt time of it!

There she is!! and who knows folks, she could even visit us! (it is August.X)

Now there has been more huffing and puffing from Donwald the Trump who cannot stop himself.  Back here, there is still the mantle of silence except from silly billy Kipper party who are busy deciding what horrid platform to sell their next political wares from AND who is to head them up!!! We still love Vinnie the Cable in this house. X

On the telly at the minute folks is The Stand.  WHAT IS THAT Wonka? you all say frightened you are missing a new boxset. NYET!  it is a Stephen King story from a zillion years ago BUT we are loving it.  it is about the end of the world well for the US of A then and all the survivors are headed to a jolly old black grandma Abigail in the styx and opposite a giant cornfield.  it is the BIZZ.  Aside from this we clung to Animal Rescue Live with good supervet, and those 10 puppies too.  it has been I am pleased to say a very animal loving week here and even the aged parent tuned in despite being 86.  I know.X

Time to have a brief look ahead to the coming week folks.  Owner is all geared up for MORE DAFT EXCUSES and will turn the tables with a few of her own. ME? thanks for asking, hoping to enjoy a few zzzzzzzzzzzz on the workbench outback in the sunnyshine if there is some (IT is AUGUST.X) Big Love Wonka XX PS here I am doing just that X

Saturday, 5 August 2017


DO YOU MEAN THAT NICE Rhubarb that comes in a crumble with custard Wonka?  NYET!!!

This is the word that I have persuaded Owner to use when referring to(BIG LIST Folks.X)
1.  anyone in authority that thinks they know all about aged parent.
2.  anyone in or out of authority that want to LEAVE the EEEWE. aka the EU.
3.  anyone calling up and saying it is alright we are not a scamming phony person we are authentic. (Owner immediately blocks them.  she loves blocking.X)
4. anyone delivering anything to the wrong address when Owner is in and waiting.
5. anyone this week.X

There we are!! This is saving Owner from going potty!! and it is Pedro from the new thingy on Beeb 2 about puppies AND their new homes.X

What has saved this household from going bonkers?  there is a nice new series on the telly called Letterbox which Owner has clung to nicely, only wavering for a moment when that over the top presenter Mel declared AGAINST cats.  Did this stop Owner from making comments and posting stuff on twitter?? NYET.  She even created a beauty cartoon to celebrate the letter AITCH.  This kept Owner quiet for 2 minutes as did 10 Pupsters and US.  We love Jura who will be a champ rescue dog in the highlands of sconny botland AND we love Poppy and Pedro.

There is brave and talented rescue dog to be JURA!! and Owner is a busy beelet drawing Poppy for next week!! X

Bertrude has pleased the Vet.  HOWCOME you all shout at me interested at last in what I am on about.  She was trundled to the vets yesterdee with a sample of you know what and it turns out she can stick to THREE UNITS of insulin now.  I AM PLEASED said the Vet.  of course Owner was in too much of a daze from the next round of meetings about aged parent to take much in.  ARE YOU? she says.  I did wonder whether the supposed creeping onset of dementia they all reckon is sweeping over aged parent is spreading a small tentacle towards Owner.  RHUBARB Wonka! she shouted at me so I didn't mention it after all.X

In the political world nothing DE RIEN has happened.  Donwald the Trump is still being a pretend president and everyone isn't pretending that he is. Any good that is.  personally I blame the same set of people who all went and voted LEAVE instead of REMAIN.  Owner shouted that word again followed by a sheep noise.  As far as we know Jezzer still hasn't gone on holidee in Venezuela or Israel or any other contentious fighty old country.  HE COULD BE ON A RETREAT muttered Owner OR on a health farm OR just behind a closed door at home.  Vinnie Cable our new bestest has gone quiet and he could be on holidee too.X

Also on the telly Owner had to turn off Enders as she said THATS RHUBARB or words to the effect when FIL went to rescue LOO from her mad mother. It was hard for a moment to pick out the mad one and even Shazzer was in the running.  They are all in hospital (again) til next week.  thankfully in Corrie good Steve Macdonald who has married everyone in the street and had a babe with them proposed to LEEANN and she said YES.  Almost as heartwarming as Norrice and Mary.  There were however TWO yes TWO dark moments, as FEELAN went to confess to all those murders in a proper confessional boxy thing AND thingy who was married to Steve but is now with wotsit ended up in the boot of a car...I know.  nailbiting or wot.X

Wot with Vet visits and aged parent visits and planning for daughter coming to stay.  OOH.  that has meant a lot of staring at products in the maze like supermarket to check it doesn't have ANYTHING to do with animals in it.  Owner found a person staring at the frozen cabinet and tried to help.  IT IS MY GRANDAUGHTER goes the woman, SHE IS NOW VEGAN.   I KNOW says Owner wisely and then they both stare together.  I know.X and I really do know.XX  So far Owner has enough cheese to feed a parcel of mice and a bag of skittles.  End of.X

Now can next week slow down a bit please AND NOT have any fraught rhubarb meetings.  On the good side Owner bought a pinafore dress and looks the biz in it.  I LIKE THIS A LOT Wonka she told me.  That means folks I can stand or lay easy for a good few weeks until the next cry of despair goes up!  Take it steady and DO REST UP when the going gets tough and rhubarby folks.  Big Love Wonka X

PS I haven't mentioned Ruggles because all he does is rest up, eat up and use the facilities.  he still makes that off gurgling sound when he scratches in his ears and Owner says this is alright and not to worry.yes.X