Saturday, 30 July 2016

What's Going On?

HALLOAH UP! brave folks all around this wonderful alright sometimes wicked world............. HERE I AM with your weekly mash up.  Owner said not to use that phrase so I am.  end of.X

What's going on but just about everything folks.  first UP, there is news of yet another feline in the downing street line up courtesy I can reveal to you, of Battersea cat and dog home. HUGE TICK. Called Gladstone. small tick. Will it get on with Larry and Palmerston who are already there you all wonder up?  in a word. NYET, NON, NADA. (?) you know in this house we are all very dysfunctional and proud of it.X
There we are!!! In another dream ridden and ideal existence we would all sit round together and share furry stories INSTEAD we are all separate and have our own special hidey places and boxes ectc.  End of and anti-everything feline facts up.X
In other news and what is going on with (list).
1.  Owner's mood setting.  This has veered from alright to frankly anxiety ridden and fretful.  As this is quite normal I am not concerned.  not a bit of it, and I like it under the bed anyway.X
2.  Owner's hair.  This is the success story of the week.  for some reason, it has gone right.  The hairdresser, who is a roving one, arrived, did the biz and left a very happy head of hair.  I like it, Owner loves it, and the rest of the world knows no different.X
3.  The political mess we are in.  This continues to shape up nicely with us cats who all voted to REMAIN sneering and hissing at those who put their tick in the WRONGBOX.  Bertie is particularly set against it, but is sticking to his routine despite it all.  Ruggles is keeping a strong eye outback for the wave of promised felines all trying to move into his luxury shed, but so far - it seems YET ANOTHER FICTION.  Me?  thanks for asking, keeping a beady eye on the finances which are DWINDLING faster than a brexit promise.X 
There he is!! Ruggles stationed at the good back gate.X
4.  The Labour party.  Who? you all shout up nervous now that a new party has sprung up without you noticing.  NO it is the same one, split by the ones who love Jezzer (not us. NO) and the ones who are warming to the welsh laddie Owen. (US) all you need to remember folks that the Plantagenet dynasty (like that word a lot.) was ousted by a hitherto unknown lad ...............(small roll on the drums building to a loud crescendo!) OWEN TUDOR  which is more or less like saying Owen Smith. He is making a bid for the leadership and our money is all over it.  what pennies we have left now that Owner is NOT working or doing much.X
5.  US of A.  Good king Obama has given a rousing speech for the new candidate Hillary with two ELLS, BUT wait - we thought we could not love Queen Michelle anymore but now we do!! She is fab and inspiring and Owner says she is her new and latest role model.
Just what is Owner doing then you all want to know half way through your Satdees.  not a lot folks.  As I say, I have tried to motivate her into writing and drawing AND I have had some success.  The proof read whizzed off to good Austin Macauley publishers, and she has even - with my help folks - got to the end of TWO yes TWO new stories.  Conversations with Wonka part seven is coming your way soon.XX (a preview of the Cover is coming your way shortly.X)
6.  I haven't mentioned the Tory party, Boris, Tresa's shoes, interest rates (not interesting.x) and I'm not going to.  End of.X
But listen up folks, the bags have come out and I fear a weekend away is on the cards.  She has said those immortal words IT'S NOT FOR LONG Wonka.  I know. And, she has been buying flip flops.  Not one pair but three. IN CASE I FALL she explained to me tossing the old ones in the bin.  What could I say back folks?  We cannot have another incident where I might be CRUSHED by Owner tripping or stepping back into nothing can we??
Telly wise we are now stuck like aroldite (Owner's Dad's fave glue. personally I would change it for a tube that didn't split and glue your fingers together but Owners will not change.) to Game of Thrones.  Tyrion or whatever his little name is, is our bestest in it and we hate Joffrey like mad.  And his mad mother. Somehow we have kept up with Corrie and Dave's loss (Kylie stabbed outside the kebab shop) and Leanne's news (babe to Steve who is married to michelle.  I know.X) AND celebrity masterchef.....we fell in love with Jiminee Osmond who was so happy and gentle AND can sing.X
Do have a wonderful week ahead folks full of dreams come true and good fur days.  BIG LOVE Wonka X

Saturday, 23 July 2016


Morning all!! Howdy up and BONjour, Hola ect. infact just plain
whiskers ahoy!x

How has your week been folks?  Can it get any worse Wonka some of you shout back at me and the answer is OF COURSE it can.  That's what weeks are for.  ME? thanks for asking, the usual giddy up week had by me, checking here, a nibble on a biscuit there OH and those pesky baby gulls flapping and crying and wotnot. ~as to the weather we have had a slight heat wave and suddenly NO ONE, PERSONNE can cope with it. Ruggles has been basking outback and has turned his back on the shed to seek his troll cave under the bench.  Bertie who would not know if Tresa May had pressed the old button or not, is still lurking in the Narnia.X

IT ALL SEEMS NORMAL Wonka, you all accuse me left right and centre (that sound political and it is.X) - folks, things are far from normal here.X
There we are folks - that is Larry from No 10 Downing street meeting up with Palmerston next door for a bit of pawsicuffs at dawn!!  ~even us cats are up against it! X
Owner has had her usual nail biting stomach churning low mood setting week folks.  Due to? you all whisper up.........
1.  First up did she have a fall, nearly crush me and frighten me so much I had to rush straight upstairs and under the bed.  I tell you folks I have never been so scared.  Owner you say?  ALL HER OWN fault for trying to balance on my sideboard, go backwards onto the chair and then topple off it. if I told her off once I said it a hundred times folks (in whispers from behind doors and under beds) I said ARE YOU STUPID Owner that could have crushed me to death.............luckily she didn't hear me for laying on the luxury carpet with said chair nearby.  I knew she was alright though folks as she could easily answer questions about her hair.  This is the proven method to test Owner's intelligence or wotnot. If she can readily say back to me things like 'I hate my hair this colour, length, shape' and so on, I know folks, she is still in the land of the living!.and those bruises will soon fade................X
In other lesser news the week could only go downhill from there really although, the car with no name did itself proud and got through a service without being recalled for MASSIVE REPAIRS.  Owner reckons the mechanics were (list) 1. drunk 2. blind 3. too hot.  Horrid accounts reared their ugly head on Wednesdee folks and sent Owner into an anxiety fit to top the scale, but daughter visited on Thursdee to send her into a different spiral. Fridee was spent in a frenzy of proof reading YES SIREE and the new soon to be published tale has winged and zinged its way back to the good publishers (we still love you Austin Macauley!) for the final proofing.X
So folks at the end of this frenzied week, Jezzer is still a rampant leader of something or other and Owen Smith from Welshy Wales is still going to tackle him.  Tresa May has been here and there with her brexit bag and shoes to match and wait for it.....a strange and big orange man has set his beady eye on the White House. Ald Trump is a creature that is half human and half machine we think, but have not yet pinned down which comic he is from. or planet for that matter (sorry America we truly are.X)  In the wake of all of this political tomfoolery, Owner quite rightly said STOP THE WORLD Wonka let us get off it. and that was before BAD ACCOUNTS turned up to smack us round the chops. ~There is one saving grace though folks...............X
Last but not least in this gruesome week, Daughter came bearing gifts which were wonderful. The parka to end all parkas, (TICK.X), the shirt to end all shirts (GIANT TICK X), more jeans (tick x)AND series 1 to 3 of Game of Thrones.  Luckily, and daughter did warn Owner to expect lots of blood and gore and the other BUT since we are stuck like glue to Versailles we are now hardened to all that violent thingy and can manage some more.  Next to my sorry life, droned Owner, this is copeable.  End of and this week up facterooni.X
I do hope folks out there wherever you are, you are bearing up with the world and if it is getting you down - Game of Thrones is the answer for now.X  keep your fur on, twizzle those whiskers and look that world right in the eye!! Big Love Wonka X

Friday, 15 July 2016


Halloah up folks howdy doodee and especially we say to BONJOURS and COMMENT to our pals in frenchy France.
NOUS SOMMES ADORE.  and what we mean to say is, we love you end of and fact up.X

I mean in this house I mean maison Owner says we operate under a strict ruling of NO SURRENDER.  What I says to her do you mean Owner and she says this:

never give in - even when YOU DON'T GET THE JOB you spent hours preparing for only to get there and find at least ONE internal candidate younger and younger and much younger than you AND already working there.

DON't get upset when they ring you days later to say YOU ARE NOT successful (EH? Owner not  a success??x) despite giving a good interview and not being distracted by laughing between the panel of three. And the one who never smiled.

AND MOST IMPORTANT - when the agency who you sacked off because they failed to offer you even a zero hour (don't get Owner started on jezzer and his lecture on zero hours she will froth at the mouth.x) rings you out of the blue with an offer of 6 days work and you mull it over and accept it AND THEN they ring you and say it is cancelled.  EVEN THEN, frothed Owner, you must not surrender.X

There we are!! YES it is that time of year when the swallows are swooping and the gulls are all mewling in the night to their baby gulls that Owner has insisted on calling tweenies.  I knowX
Whilst we have been busy on our no surrendering folks it is business as usual for me.  Bertie is certainly thinner ish and set against the Brexit stuff.  He especially did not like it when Tresa May said 'Brexit means Brexit.'  Ruggles is fast into his new routine of sleeping in his en suite (the kitchen) and then departing to do the same in his box in the luxury shed. ME? very busy keeping pace with the goings on at Number Ten.  it has taken over Owner's life (what's left of it) and mine really.  Theresa May got into the hot seat seconds after the Dreadsome lady cancelled herself out of the running. That Gove chappie got sacked which means DE RIEN said Owner (more frothing) as he will simply land another massively paid job round the corner.  A nice bloke called Owen (we like that name and he is Welsh we like them) has put in for Jezzer's job saying things like there can only be one contender and I'm going to sort Labour out.  What of the Eagle in all of this?  She is still winging it and has had her hair done Owner reckons and says she was her fave.X
The argy bargy contined on with the appointment of wait for it huge and massive roll on the drums and on the ground.......................BORIS the ex mayor ex brexiter ex candidate for well anything  YES he has only landed on his flippers and got a new job as foreign secretary!! NO it's not a bird or a plane it's an actual real live joberooni.  I cannot say too much about jobs at the minute seeing as Owner HAS NO JOB to speak of and we are all heading for starvation city.  End of and job fact up.X
WHAT ELSE has been going on in your week Wonka? you all whisper up anxious to know.  I have a new shrub to look out on and it is a chappie called Hydranga. It is green and shrubby and no flowers as yet BUT when it does they could be pink or blue and I love it.  The apple tree lost two apples and Owner has turned into Sherlock holmes about it.  I have blamed it on a bird. NOT those pesky Vikings, not this week.X
Telly wise we have clung to every soap on offer and Saint Todd is in luv with Billy as you know, Kylie says she is going to Barbados and thingy in the kebab shop has told those scallies where to go. We await the disaster that is sure to follow folks. In Enders all we know is that Cafee is having a fling with Shirlee's bloke so it cannot but end in fisticuffs. thankfully celebrity masterchef has come up trumps with the likes of JIMMEE OSMOND yes sirree and GLEB from strictly although he is never going on it again. There is also a boxer called Audely and Owner says that is one of her faves.X
I hope folks and mesdames and messures that my weekly round up has given you a taster of the MESS we are in countrywise, townwise, tellywise and Ownerwise.  And last but not least when Dave left his top job on Wednesee he gave a final performance in the House of Commons complete with jokes about Jezzer being the black knight.  yes, Jezzer has clung on to his leadership despite Owner shouting at the telly and me shouting at Owner shouting.  We love it.  Take it steady out there folks, and keep your fur up!
Big Love Wonka X

Friday, 8 July 2016

RErun of the week so far!

Halloah up folks and before you say up HAS IT BEEN A LONG WEEK OR WHAT? Eh? EH?? Even Owner is exhausted and I did say how come you are tired what with all those lay ins and watching Federer win, win and then lose oh and Murraymint too PLUS a bit of footie thrown in.  NOT TO MENTION wall to wall politics.

THAT'S WHY I'M EXHAUSTED she droned to me.

the latest political hash up is as follows. the tory party has whittled itself down into two women one is called Tresah May and the other I am reliably informed is called Dre Ledsum. (Owner has suggested Dreadsum and it does have a ring.) or something very like it. It sounded like that when I listened in on the good radio and as for Jezzer - he is wait for it folks GOING NOWHERE.  and yes Owner did shout up things like YOUCANSAYTHAT AGAIN Wonka. No one has heard any more info about what happens next now we are OUTSIDE the eewe except how much all the leavers like it. (and the remainers that is ME bubster and Ruggles don't.).  Which is why folks it is called a RErun of the week as we all like that prefix (get me.x) REmain, REnew, REunion........End of and political facts up.

In other more exciting news we are not quite starving and Owner has gained an interview for a real job earning proper money.  I have been busy as per advising on outfits, possible complex questions and how to answer them... (keep smiling and nodding and looking intelligent.) and all that in between capturing a blue vest under the kitchen door even though I could hear Owner shouting GET OFF IT Wonka I have dropped it - and then worrying she would crush me as she opened the door.  I REMAIN uncrushed. X

Surely other things have gone on Wonka you all ask me anxious for a report on Bertie's weight.  Owner thinks he is definitely dwindling and this is borne out by the fact he is now leaping up on the side to pinch my meagre offerings. He has a constant supply of biscuits and CANNOT starve.X

Ruggles is living the dream between his en suite (the kitchen) and the luxury shed.  he cannot complain and he doesn't. X

In a small but necessary round up of this week's telly what stands out you pesky folk all wish to know??  Corrie has stood out for having Saint Todd declare a passion for Billy our friendly mixed up but we like him Vicar.  Sarah who went mad you recall has told a tiny bit of the truth but not all about who KILLED CALLUM. In Enders we had Peggy's funeral and a lot of the square dressed in black and as Owner noted, some with less black than others.  ~What saved us was, Versailles and that King with his best bruv and a lot of you know what going on. YES there was a bit of plotting and story in between. Owner is too anxious to watch any more of that spook ridden living and the dead and calmed down with celebrity masterchef.  John N Gregg are as funny as usual and we love them lots.  Tonight (small roll on the drums...x) there IS NO FOOTIE but lots of films and stuff.  Good Wales returned glorious to their homeland and it is just little old ingerland that is having a moment. X

Next Week folks is a big week for Owner as she sets out for what she hopes AND I PRAY is her last interview.  IF I HAVE TO GO THROUGH ANOTHER SET OF TASKS AND QUESTIONS she moaned up to me and I did say just be yourself Owner but then thought better of it.  Now I must get on as Bertie will keep popping out to the water bowl and distracting me AND it is keeping up a nice drizzle out back and there may be birds.  Keep you furry chins up folks and have a nice brush down!! Big Love Wonka X

Saturday, 2 July 2016

Wonka's Weekly mash up.x

GREETINGS voting weary, politics weary, poverty stricken folks out there!!! and herewith and therefore is MY FIRST weekly round up.  AND WHAT A WEEK!!!!

Where shall I start Owner? I quizzed her up once she had struggled up at long last after the longest lay in evah.  I MUST NEED THE REST Wonka she droned to me.............X

you will recall folks that along with the strangest events in our tiny isle's history when a few folk tossed a good union to one side in favour of..............WE STILL DON'T KNOW!!!! ~they have gambled with the fortunes of ALL moaned Owner to me. Whether this prompted her to throw in the towel with the dastardly (like that word.x) agency I can't say but NOW folks there is definitely zero hours and a P45 winging its way to us.  Whilst Jezzer is whispering about it in the PMQs (that prime minister questions folks. I know.X)
There she goes!!! and yes folks that credit card has been poked in many a machine!!! X
So WONKA you all shout at me wide awake and enjoying your Satdee WHAT'S BEEN GOING ON.  First up NO ONE, personne could believe this tiny isle wanted to leave a Union.  Specially not Owner. THEN, came the usual blame sodden round of IT WAS HIS fault NO IT IS hers and it turns out it is all Jezzer's fault for not making it crystal clear the little ol Labour party stood to REMAIN.x
Will Jezzer keep saying he is not going and he means to stay true to all the millions alright thousands alright some who voted for him? He has kept on saying this all week despite most of his MPs saying WE DON'T LIKE YOU, GO AWAY. More importantly, Owner is saying that too.  Who do you want instead Owner?  It cannot be Doris I mean Boris....... I quite like that Angela Eagle she droned to me and folks with a name like know how I love a bird.x
No one has heard from the Nige Barage and they don't want to.  And we are now in love with Mark Carney the Gov of the Bank of Ingerland and folks - he is like a Mary Poppins hero. We love him.x
In other less political news, Owner has applied for a job. Should they be clever enough to invite her for an interview I will report up in between bolstering her spirits and going through some tips. (don't put any more hair product on for a bit, don't wear that and def don't say that. End of.X)x
It is still wall to wall sport including the political games, and ingerland managed to make it all a LOT worse by not beating Iceland. GOOD ON YOU ICELAND!!! (that was Mousey.x) but Wales in true dragon style wopped Belgium by three goals yes three goals to one (sorry Belgium.X). Our money is on Rog Federer to win Wimbledon, end of.X
This has all meant Owner clinging to a lot of funny programmes and one them was far too spooky called the living and the dead and not a politician in sight....tonight there is footie footie tennis and footie. BUT I have spied a film and we have a DVD in waiting. surely it will be: 'a pulse-pounding action epic.' I know folks and even Bertie was suspicious about that.  YES he is fine and Owner is certain he has lost weight. I did say is that down to you being so late with his breakfast Owner but she didn't hear me above scrambling round in the kitchen to get our breakfast.X
I hope you are all well and in some sort of union folks - ME? thanks for asking I would like a little friend who doesn't hiss in my face like the Bubster (why??x) and Ruggles who also goes SSSSSS. You've got me Wonka! said Owner.  I know. I know.
have a paw stomping fur bristling week folks!!! Big Love WonkaX